Thoughts on Friends and Friendship

Someone recently asked the following question on a page on Facebook which I visit often:

"What is your definition of friendship"?

Here is my answer. I thought it was an apt portrayal of the thoughts that whirl around in my head about the subject.

I have a handful of people I consider "friends". The list consists of mostly close family, with one or possibly two exceptions. One of those exceptions is a friend I made in high school who has stuck with me all these years (do NOT ask how long ago that was. Neither of us can afford to answer). She came to be with me when my husband was killed. A few years later she called one day when I was really down, and offered to make that call every week--and we've kept the tradition for probably 10 years now. It has literally kept me sane--and her, too. She needs it as much as I do. That's a friend, in my definition. Another of those exceptions is a person I've never met in real life. Someday we hope to meet. We don't talk often, and when we do it is through electronic means. But this is definitely a friendship by my definition.

Some people's definition of "friend" is pretty wide. It is so wide that it could be defined by saying "all people whom I don't care to shoot on sight are my friends". There are people around town who call me "friend", but we haven't had anything to say to one another in years.

But then, there's the language thing. What do you call someone with whom you used to be friends and hold some common interests, but for whom that is no longer the case? You didn't get mad at one another and part ways--life just changed for both of you. Does that mean you're not friends anymore? If you want to tell someone that you know someone who does, say, interior design, and it's that person that you used to be good friends with but haven't spoken to them in years, do you say "I have a friend in the business" or do you say "I have an acquaintance"? "Acquaintance" sounds a little cold, and like you may not know them well enough to recommend their work. But friend is a bit more than they really are. And what if you said "acquaintance" and the person you are talking to did business with them and said you called them an "acquaintance". Would their feelings be hurt? Would that end the relationship? Or was the relationship over long ago?

There's not, like, a WORD for something between a friend and an acquaintance. So you've got to make a value judgment every time you think about that person.

On the other hand, I don't consider you a "friend" unless the relationship is rather high on the "mutual and reciprocal" meter. I got really tired of those friendships (several of them with family members) that were the kind where I would call them, I would invite them, I would initiate chats and dinners out with them, but they would never reciprocate. So I pretty much just emotionally jettisoned them. 

There's no evidence that they noticed. 

As a result I have very, very few people I put in my "friend" box now. I may call you a friend when speaking of you to someone else because you're more than an acquaintance, but you're not in the "friend" box in my mind. And I'm getting pretty lonely in here...

I know, I'm busy. I don't have the time and flexibility I used to have when I was a SAHHSM (Stay At Home Home Schooling Mom). Maybe it's that you can't seem to connect with me. Still, I've got stuff to do, and don't really have time to be constantly maintaining relationships with people who don't seem to care whether I am around or not. Have you even tried to contact me? It feels like begging, or paying for favors, when I am the one who constantly asks, calls, cooks, gives, and invites. Sure, you act like you're having a good time when you're with me, but if I never call you afterwards, you wouldn't call me to check on me or anything. I think you probably wouldn't even notice.

Of course, I'm no great catch as a friend, myself. I'm opinionated, busy, task-driven, quirky, and sadly lacking in the compassion department. For various very good reasons, I don't do girlfriend shopping, ladies' bible studies, Pampered Chef/Mary Kay/Scentsy parties; I never know what to do for people when they are having a crisis, though I long to say and do the things that would be comforting and helpful--though if we are friends and you ASK me to do something for you, I will move heaven and earth and get it DONE. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Oh, and I'm a diva. I want it to be about ME sometimes. I know that can put some pressure on a relationship.

So...*shrugs*. I choose loneliness over begging and paying for favors. I'm friendly when approached, and if a true, reciprocal friendship grows out of that, that's nice. And I have two definitions for the word "friend". One I can use in public, in conversation with everyone, and one that defines who gets into my 'inner sanctum'.

I invest in those people who are already in that inner sanctum. They are few and far between, but they "get" me, and I "get" them. We can and do serve God together, edify one another, and encourage one another in the faith. You know who you are, and you are people I am pleased and honored to call "friends". You are precious gifts to me, and I thank God for you.

Feel free to post your thoughts about friends and friendship or about my post in the comments. I'd be interested in your point of view.